Chaser

Apr. 28th, 2022 02:38 pm
troof_therry: (scream cat)
Content warning for nonfic cancer/drugs/mental illness.

*****

At the beginning of April, my mom had a seizure and spent three days in the hospital. It was her first symptom, and maybe her only symptom so far, of four tumors in her brain caused by stage 4 lung cancer.

My dad and older sister are very dependent on her due to their own health issues, so learning that she had lost her ability to drive for the next six months and might not live even five more years in spite of her consistently being one of my healthiest family members was a big shock. But Mom took it all in stride, burying whatever negativity she had about the diagnosis to comfort all of us and assuage doubts that she could make it through this. The doctor said she could live a couple more years with treatment, but she kept saying she hoped to live to 99.

Even so, I hopped on a plane and flew out, since my family lives together a couple of states away, hoping to be a support for her and drive her around. Honestly, I was hoping I could take her off to fascinating places that she had always wanted to go. Maybe we could stay overnight somewhere and really experience the travel that Mom craves. She wasn't able to do that while my dad was mostly unable to walk. I knew I wasn't going to be able to take her to Europe, but if we could still experience something, maybe it would help embolden her spirit.

I'll be honest, there was a part of me that felt like I was on a mission to render some sort of care to her. And maybe I did--she was happy to see me and delighted that I was willing to listen to her reminisce on so many different stories.

I have been exceptionally naïve. I am not even the slightest bit prepared for this.

Within the first three days of being in her house, she talked at me for about 20 hours without slowing down. I thought maybe her need to get her story out was so strong--she mostly talked about family members like my great grandparents, and our Scottish roots--that it was just flowing out. The topic of her conversation gradually shifted, however, to my dad and how messed up he is.

For reference, my mom and dad never fought while I was growing up. As an adult, I learned that that is because one of them (my mom) had decided not to have any battles and just went with the path of least resistance every time. So my dad always got his way and took any critique, no matter how small, as an insult. Whatever power and control that afforded my dad over time, he has lost it now.

We found out that Mom's primary drug to help with brain swelling, a steroid, was having a significant impact on how she was perceiving herself and the rest of the world. She became euphoric, believing herself to be one of the smartest people alive, heaping thoughts into stream-of-consciousness ramblings that she believed were profound, and describing cancer as a gift from God that would enable her to do the kind of interventions on my dad that she had always told herself she couldn't do. She almost stopped sleeping altogether, only an hour to three hours a night, but never showed any signs of slowing down or regretting lack of sleep.

For all of Dad's issues, and he has plenty, I did not expect her to start verbally abusing him over things like his weight, his mental acuity, and how much weaker he has gotten over the last ten years. My mother, who valued being kind and loving over almost any other virtues, has become like a different person, spitting curses and crowing over her ability to get my dad to acquiesce to counselling by faking crying. The person I came to support turned out to be antagonistic to those around her; she's now someone we have to tread lightly around even though she can explode at my dad and sister without provocation.

Within the two weeks I was living in their house, I watched my mom gradually drift further into mania. I had no idea what was happening and sternly proposed all kinds of possibilities like brain damage. I wanted to be helpful, but I also wanted to have the right answers to satisfy some weird ego in me. Ultimately, I'm kind of a shithead with a puffed up sense of what I know and too many opinions--pretty far from the "devoted son on a mission" that I felt I was a few weeks ago.

What I really didn't expect was everything. We haven't even started the part where the cancer wreaks havoc--this is a result of the first drug she was given to combat the possibility of seizures. And the way she has started behaving, too much for the scope of a single story I share with internet strangers, may be permanent given how long she's had to use steroids for. Worse, phasing out the steroids could lead to brain inflammation, meaning more seizures and so many other possible complications.

Now that I've returned to my own home, I've gone back to observing and trying to console my dad and older sister as they live through whatever happens next. We are all still chasing a fix that gives my mom years more to live without dismantling any more of who she has been.
troof_therry: (Sandy hole)

She could forget it if she tried. The bright letters of “Inspiration” jutted from a wall over a permanently gated shop. The only immediately clear sign that remained in the place, it was hardly ten years ago when it flickered out for the last time. After that, it wasn’t long before the water penetrated the food court doors on the lowest floor, washing away a cheap Indian restaurant that she once considered good food. Effortlessly scavenging, the water dredged up everything. Victoria’s Secret bras sequestered in dark corners started to float on top along with upended trashcan contents. Condom wrappers and Dorito bags were ubiquitous, signifying the stages of evacuation.


When they knew the water would rise, the facilities closed to the public. Then the sellers who weren’t local cleared their shelves while the local sellers put their stock in duffle bags and boxes, sobbing and whispering about flood insurance, altered dreams. Schools were slower to shut down and neighborhoods even slower to evacuate, so children played in what was left of Tisdale Mall.


Ashley Bryson had known a few of them, she thought. Naturally, they had vanished. Children who had lived on the perimeter--the boundary of hope, almost certainly going to fail high school--perished on the perimeter. The water pushed Ashley’s family out before the mall even shut down. By the time the valley filled to the brim with water, all except the top two floors of that mall and a few other tall buildings that were also on high ground, Ashley was so far inland that disaster was almost an afterthought.


Staring at the pager, Ashley knew she needed to respond to the call:


SOS AT TISDALE MALL--0U0--RESPOND TO PINE BLUFF STATION 1300


After the water rose, people still got lost in the new channels and rivers. People boarded boats to find debris from their lost homes. Every crazy method of gathering old memories or personal items had been tried, and Ashley was certain that the situation with the mall was no different. Ashley volunteered with Arkansas Search and Rescue to attempt to help the people who were essentially lost in the New Gulf of Mexico, which now pushed nearly to the Ozarks.


“SOS” meant here that some signal had been sent, but the “0U0” meant that no clear identity or numbers of subjects had been spotted. It was a common signal that her group had to send often when a boat would be seen drifting, unattended. Tisdale Mall was an uncommon target because large buildings were uncommon. Flood damage created massive structural issues quickly, and ten years had not been kind to the buildings that remained.


Packing up her gear and driving out to the trailers where the responders operated, she couldn’t remember any other functions of the mall beyond that one store. Of course, standard options (like Old Navy and Barnes and Noble) were a part of the Tisdale Mall. While she was still in middle school, standard options pushed out almost all of the more exciting aspects of the place. An arcade became a Payless. An ice rink became a sporting goods store.


The fourth floor was nearly undeveloped because no one could be bothered to go up there to shop. “Coming Soon” banners were blockades to store gateways that would never be ungated. A smattering of smaller shops (a Christian bookstore, a local candle shop, a sheepish rental meeting hall with aluminum chairs around a plastic table) frantically eked out an existence.


“Inspiration” never opened, so Ashley never had a chance to examine the wares. When she was a sophomore in high school, the year before she preemptively moved, she pretended to have a job there for a month before her parents found out the truth. They dropped her, clad in khakis and a navy blue polo, bookbag at her side for “studying on break time,” four nights a week at the mall. Instead of working, she met a boy with brown hair in front of the lit up sign. He vanished less than a week later, and Ashley sat alone in front of the unopened store with an illuminated logo, wondering idly what it might sell when it opened, working on homework until the mall was nearly closed and her parents arrived.


One day, when her parents arrived, she admitted to everything. It was a wistful kind of guilt--something was lost when she spelled out her lies for them. Still, when the waters rose and everything she knew from her childhood was drowned, it made little sense to think about it further.


*****


Save Us, the white paint on the roof of the mall said in jagged, giant lines. No boats were found amongst the debris surrounding the unsubmerged base of the mall, and no easy or safe entry points were observed even though they circled it three times, shining lights into the cracks. The search team had to anchor their boat to the building for stability before raising a ladder up the side of the building. Seven people climbed the ladder, including Ashley, leaving the boat with two others.


The only reasonable point of access in and out of the mall was on the roof, where a maw grinned from one corner to another. Parts of the crevice opened to a janitor’s closet--that was the easiest point of entry, since the other portions of the gap overlooked a drop where the escalators were, into the third level.


The painted cry for help occupied what was left in another corner, and it had not been there more than a week. One part of the crack had a makeshift staircase which was partly caved in ceiling and partly stacked cinder blocks, seeming intentional enough to merit concern. A few beer bottles adorned the roof top; although the garbage seemed new, garbage had a peculiar way of getting places when only so many resources could be allocated to the cleanup. It was a sign, but the team decided that they needed to enter the mall through the roof in order to either confirm or deny the presence of a subject.


“Help is here! Anyone there?” Ashley called into the chasm, but only heard her own voice echoing back at her.


Two people stayed behind to offer support in case structural issues caused harm to the team or further supplies were needed. The humidity made the cinder block stairs slick even for their waterproof boots, and mold growth was ever present. Little outside light penetrated the fourth floor when the team climbed into the janitor’s closet and stepped across the crack again as it stretched further into the building and the foundation.


When they opened the door to the fourth floor, what wasn’t pitch black was masked by a dark green luminance. It’s probably the sunlight from the roof crack reflecting off the fakely green garden down in the food court, since the elevators and escalators are right over that, Ashley considered. It was a disconcerting hue that hid where water had accumulated. The hallways were tilted through slow fracturing, and on one side of the hall brackish water had pooled against storefronts as if they were gutters. The old benches in the middle of the walkway were firmly rooted in and gave the whole atmosphere an unstable look, since the fake plants next to those had fallen completely towards the draining wall.


The remaining five team members split up. Three went downstairs using the service stairs, leaving Ashley and Roger to survey the upstairs. Ashley knew it wouldn’t take long, but she felt a strange interest in it, since the shift may have opened areas that she had never seen before. She reminded herself that she was looking for people. They walked together slowly with flashlights, trying to examine each corner.


Sure enough, part of the foundation had shifted around two stores, leaving a gap with something that resembled a footprint where the display window led into the shops. Ashley couldn’t remember what the purpose of the stores had been, but she understood where they were relative to her memory. Roger followed the footprint in while Ashley turned to examine “Inspiration” behind her.


For once, the gate was wide open. The letters were untouched and still seemed to shine, even though unlit. Procedure dictated that Ashley follow Roger, since no one would be allowed to explore on their own, but Ashley rationalized that the never opened store could not be very large. It would not take much time to have a look. A part of her did not want to share the first glance.


It was a non-descript, rectangular room with a desk built into the wall at the back. The floors were wood laminate and seemed to be in remarkably good condition for all that they had been through. In fact, the air in the store seemed somehow drier--it was difficult for Ashley to notice that with the mold-proof mask on and a head-to-toe antimicrobial suit, but the walls weren’t beaded with humidity like many other parts of the mall.


Ashley walked slowly through the room. I’ll savor knowing that I finally solved at least part of the mystery, she thought. Then, on the desk at the back of the empty room, she saw an object.


Moving closer and inspecting it with her flashlight, strange connections fired inside her skull. It was a tan bookbag with a couple of bumper sticker like pins attached to the clasps. Inside the bag, a navy blue polo and a pair of khakis greeted her. When she picked them up, an employee ID fell out between them, bearing her name, followed by her first driver’s license. It looked authentic, even though the licensing place put a hole through her first driver’s license when she went in for one at 21 years old.


The door seemed remarkably far away, but Roger suddenly appeared, shaking his head.


*****


In the years after finding her own bag in a shop she had never entered, especially considering that the call had come up with no found subjects, the bag never left Ashley’s mind. She saw it as a split possibility, a reflection of the huge change in the world and the chance that she might not have escaped the rising water. She began to wonder if the bag had been planted behind the counter, but she never told anyone besides her parents about the story of her pretending to work. Perhaps the store or someone responsible for it wanted her there to live the role she had imagined. "Inspiration" wanted her or had expected her, and it was denied.


She could not forget, no matter how hard she tried.

Profile

troof_therry: (Default)
Troof Therry

June 2022

S M T W T F S
   123 4
567891011
12131415161718
19202122232425
2627282930  

Syndicate

RSS Atom

Most Popular Tags

Page Summary

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags
Page generated Jul. 9th, 2025 05:04 pm
Powered by Dreamwidth Studios
OSZAR »